<< I'm a Phony In Love >>
2004-05-11 @ 9:53 p.m.

I am so drained right now.

I feel like my best will never be good enough for anything.

I am doing this for him. And he knows it I'm sure. Kimberly's mad because she knew this would happen and I didn't care. Do I even care now?

I will never mean to him what he means to me and that kills me inside like nothing ever has. He makes little jokes that he thinks are funny but slice into me like knives. I want so badly to say after this summer I will have regained some sort of confidence and will be able to tell him off.

"You mean nothing to me anymore, " I will say, "I loved you once. But now I don't have to be insecure about my body. Now I am healthy and people like me for who I really am anyways. I don't have to change who I am for them. They liked me before; they like me now. I don't have to listen to their stupid ass music if I don't want to. I don't have to turn down pie and work out all the time for them to like me. And now that I'm what you want, you think you can turn on the charm and I'll be OK with that?!"

And it's at that point in my tirade that I realize...

I will be OK with that.

And that makes me sick to my stomach. When did I become the dominated? When did I become a wimp? When did I begin selling myself short?

And I remember: I've been lying to myself and I know it. I've always been insecure. I've always been who I think people want me to be. That confidence thing? It's a defense mechanism, skillfilly crafted to fool you into thinking I'm a leader. Powerful. To be envied for my straight back and arching brow when speaking. A model of "I don't give a fuck" with the head toss to go with it. Yeah....that's phony.

I just want him to love me. I don't care about the other stuff. Whatever. I've built a persona for myself that masks my true cowardice. Whatever. Changing my physical appearance is no different. I just want him to think about me all the time, like I think about him.

I hate feeling like this.

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