<< bittersweet >>
2004-06-26 @ 8:02 p.m.

Tonight, as I have done in the past, I read over my 20 or so most recent entries.

I know I do not frequently update. And often I forget I have this diary at all. But reading back over it, I remember why I keep it...for ME! Browsing through my archives I can feel little strands of the emotions that fueled each of the entries, whether they be humor or sadness or anger.

I miss people that I no longer talk to. I smile at the inside jokes that are really just for me anyway. I cringe at the memory of harsh words with friends.

Memories are a big deal now. I rarely talk to anyone from high school. I don't feel connections with them, not like before. I feel like my life lies outside of all of it. I think about things a lot though, even if I don't ever see them. I remember stupid jokes in class. Lies I told. Lies I was told. Intimate moments. Even more intimate mistakes.

College has brought a new sense of me to the table. There's no need to be anything other than what I want to be. And when I want to be everything at once I am. And it's that sense of change and changing and freedom that brings you closer to people.

I miss Kimberly. And I miss Ryan.

Yeah, Ryan again. I think about him all the time. I have dreams about him, but not in a middle-school sex-with-your-crush way. I have dreams about beating him at MarioKart. Or I daydream about stupid stuff we've been through together. Like me spilling Mountain Dew all over his car. Or playing soccer on Landis. Stupid stuff, yeah. But I miss it.

I just want to talk to him again face-to-face about NOTHING. Now we have stuff to talk about. But before it was like, "Why are you telling me this story? I was there." so instead we just joke. And I miss that. That's when I'm comfortable and happy and not at all anxious or worried.

I can't write anymore. I'm getting sappy. EEEEEW. Hahaha.

I love you guys. I do.

And now, back to my life.

Love, Me

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