<< I Rant of the Things I Can't Change >>
2004-07-24 @ 1:17 p.m.

How is it so easy to hand over your heart to someone, but damn near impossible to take it back?

And why do people feel the need to speak as if they were reading poetry even for the most mundane of subjects?

Furthermore, why can't I be in control, for once?

And why is it that I never can say "no" when I really, really should.

A lot's been going on lately. I know I need to retell the Claude Story, but I just don't have the energy now.

I've been spending mucho tiempo with Sarah, Ellie, and Chad which makes me happier than happy. Cause they WANT ME THERE. That feels so good. And you take for granted those friends that you see all the time, and you assume they want you there. But after being exiled from them, not by their choice, but by the ravings of Julie... it feels so good to know that they've wanted me there all along.

They offered me her closet last night, as a guest bed.

I slept on the couch instead.

But more on that later. With the retelling of the Claude Story.

Funny, things are looking up. But really, I feel like I'm on the verge of falling down, hard. And I know it'll be Ryan who pushes me over the edge. I know it will be. And yet, I can't stop thinking about him ,wanting him. I can't put any of the logic or intelligence to use to say "Amy, you're hurting yourself." Instead I wait, impatiently, and hope for the very best. When I know good and well the very best isn't going to happen.

Believe me when I say I've tried to give him up. Like cigarettes. I tried. I did. Many times. But each time something happens that makes me want him so bad. He'll call to say he misses me. Or he'll come up, like this weekend. But then he fucks it up, and crushes me again. And I just can't take much more of it.

How Far?

I should go. This won't make much sense to you I guess. But it does to me. And I want to look back, when I'm happy, on a time with I feel as if I'm on two polar opposite ends of the Feelings Scale. I'm so happy right now. I feel like I have friends, the apartment is coming up. But on the other hand, life throws the toughest curve balls after those lobs. And I can't enjoy the greatness of now for the fear of the obstacles approaching.

Love, Me

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